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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Sherry has left this morning in a huff, I can tell. Her clothes are strewn all around, her cereal bowl is lying on her computer desk, and her towel has dampened the blanket. I just woke up to the the glaring sunlight falling directly on my face but do not feel like stepping out of bed. I thought our day off together would be fun. I wanted to watch Sex and the City with her at the mall, followed by a quick dinner at Panera Bread. Its been so long since we went out together and did something fun. But she left to work, without telling me. She has not bothered to call me or text me, as she usually does, by this time. And I am unclear if I should or not. Will she snub me? Oh I am so miserable. I wish I hadn't brought Vivek home last evening.

Why doesn't Sherry understand? I do not love Vivek and neither does he love me. We are only colleagues and that's all there is to it. But Sherry hates him. She hates him for being my best friend. She hates him for being with me all day. She hates me talking to him. She thinks he will take her position one day. Sherry is so insecure. I wonder why? What's wrong with her?

I just turned our indoor fountain on. It almost feels like its crying out loud like I am crying inside.

Sherry was so cold to me last night. As soon as she saw me entering the house with Vivek, she darted into the bedroom, slammed the door shut, and spent the rest of her evening playing the guitar. I have tried so hard for them to get along well. God knows I have tried. But I have never succeeded. Vivek has also questioned Sherry's malice towards him. I have not been able to explain it to him. How can I ? Will he understand?

I am so frustrated. I feel like dying. Why is life so difficult? I wonder if Sherry wants to move out. I know I do, sometimes. But I cannot imagine us both in different homes. I am afraid if I talk to her about it, she might get upset with me. Anyway, I am not even sure if she will talk to me again after what happened last night. She called me a cheat, a liar, and cried herself to sleep. I have never seen her crying this way. It hurt me so much to see her so unhappy but it hurts to know that she thinks of me that way.

Between the two of us, Sherry is the exuberant one, always full of excitement, chattering away to glory, practical, level-headed, and bossy. I am the calm, slow, quiet, and emotional one. People told us we would never get along. And yet, we have. We do. Do we not? Or am I fooling myself? I don't know what to do. Am I going crazy? Do I need help? Will no one ever understand? Who do I talk to? God, someone please help me!

Why was I born this way? I feel so alone. I wish Sherry would come home right now. I wonder if I will ever be happy. I did not know it would be so hard. I think I am going to go back to sleep.
It is not easy being a bisexual in a heterosexual world.