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Saturday, November 15, 2008

Her

I sit on my couch and send an acquaintance a "Happy Birthday" message telling him that he shares his birthday with a special person in my life. Then I go to bed and dream about randomness all night long. I awake to a windy morning, attend a few phone calls, work out, and glance at the calendar. And then it hits me. It was the 15th of November today and it was someone special's birthday, a fact that seemed so casual last night, and so painful today.

I reminisce about this very same day, 17 years ago. The picture is not very vivid in my mind but the photographs that I left behind in your home are. I remember how I excited I was about your birthday just like I am about everyone's birthday every year. And you shook your head and said that you did not want your birthday to be celebrated. You were embarrassed, you said. You did not have much hair on your head from the chemotherapy and you did not want many people to see you that way. I told you that we could get you a scarf and that it would be all be ok. You did not say anything, I suppose, for the birthday celebrations did happen.

I do not remember much of that day except for the fact that we got a Chocolate Truffle cake from Pastry Waggon just because it happened to be my favorite cake. How selfish of me! But I was only a child then. I do not remember what happened exactly. But the pictures that I remember show you bald, cutting a cake, smiling, and posing for pictures. Was it reluctant, just to please us all, or whether you truly were happy that day, I do not know. I do not know if I wish to know. All that I wish I knew was that it was going to be your last birthday, and your last birthday with us.

You passed away exactly a month and 7 days later Ba. I was shocked. I was a child and did not know the significance of the cancer that you were fighting. Did I ever tell you that I loved you? Did I ever tell you that I wondered if you were one of those goddesses that are sent over to Earth to test people? Did I ever tell you that I believed you had the purest heart that had ever touched me? And boy, did I tell you that I was proud to be told that my personality matches yours?

I sit on the couch wondering when those pictures will fade, tear, and not be good enough to save anymore, and whether as I age, my memories of you will gradually fade away. I do not want to be sitting on a couch 15 years from now struggling to remember what you looked like, how it felt to rest my head on your lap and you stroking my hair, and how your gentle soft hands fed me as I throw one of those tantrums.

And so my dearest Ba, here is a weak attempt to capture those memories into one page. I hope that we meet someday up there where I know your soul is resting in peace.

I love you.

48 comments:

Blue Kite Dreamz said...

Belated happy Birthday Ba, i am sure you must have got yrself a Chocolate Truffle cake to celeberate yr birthday...tonight when Solt..sleeps..come to her.rest her head on yr lap..stroke her hair ,and if your friends have left anything out of the cake..then feed her a corner ..she.. the fairy insists on being fed by you the goddess..

Phoenix said...

*HUGS*

Leo said...

i dont know what to write here exactly...its an emotional post sneha...and i dont want to spoil it...

very well written.

vinay.

Satish Bolla said...

sneha, at first, i thought u r referring to ur grand father(abt whom u wrote a sad post sometime back). anyways, i guess this is not a fictional post. am sorry for ur loss and may GOD bless the soul of ur Ba.

Deepali said...

*Hugs*

Winnie the poohi said...

*sigh*

it reminds me of.. well someone very special.. for whom i have the same feelings

everything burns... said...

aww....

Still thinking said...

:)

You remember, you love. She's eternally yours.

(Hugs)

rayshma said...

big HUG, gurl!

Pavi!!!! said...

I'm sure ur grandfather and Ba are smilin with pride n happyness from up above and blessing u for each n every success u attain in life....

A nice warm Hug...

lov
me:)

I Walk Alone!!! said...

Be happy. She is special. You still love and miss her. God bless ya!!!

Pri said...

im sure ur ba will be looking over you and smiling....
this one must be one of her proudest moments :)
people who are too far away from us meet us in our dreams...this isnt just a cheesy line...i believe in it!

take care

SMM said...

Hey Sol...I'm sure Ba is looking down at you showering you with all her love and blessings wherever she is today :)

Neeraj Singh said...

I lost my father to GBM on August 25th this year and I can tell u just one thing... its much more difficult when the person suffering cannot even be told that .. He is suffering from this terrible thing .. as he will forget in 2 minutes .. what was told to him ..
I still look at the pictures of his illness and think is there any sense of justice or is there any GOD at all .. I mean he was the most perfect person I know .. Had .. no smoking or drinking habits .. Just .. a habit of 30 minutes of Yoga .. since 25 odd years..
My mother still can't get herself around to believe what could have caused it how could I have avoided it .. she used to .. pray daily before she had a morsel .. in her mouth .. but she finds it difficult to trust the same gods now .. :(

I am said...

nice post :)

Neeku said...

i was just thinking about my Dadi yesterday night .... was wondering how some memories are sort of fading away after her passing away... was actually feeling bit guilty about it... anyways... I too hope to meet my Dadi up there someday... where I know her soul rests in peace.I can relate to your pain.

But one thing is sure that she is up there feeling all proud of her Vahli Dikri =)

wildflower said...

You know I just met a lady who lost her only child recenty. And she was like dumb. Her eyes had shrunk crying all these days. I had no words to console her. Before she left she told us tht she'l come down to see us more often because she has no one else in the world...

Death is beyond all pain & sometimes dear God is just so unfair~

Mayuri said...

very nicely written..reminded me of ppl close to my heart as well..
anyways,tk care.
and im blogrolling u.... :)

Mimi said...

OMG hugs..The birthday you just described was exactly,eerily to similar to my mom's last birthday 12 years ago..And I also dont need to look at the pictures..they are clear in my mind's eye..like its happenning right now.
Big hugs girl!

comfortably numb said...

she is sumwhr out thr watchin over u...:)

stupidosaur said...

My Dadi also died of Cancer. I do not really have many memories of her. Blame nuclear families (Which further underwent fission). But the few ones that I have are good.

But Nani lived with us a long time and died naturally and gradually of old age.

May all Dada-dadis and Nana-nanis be happy in heaven.

(And although its not very fitting for this post, "Yay Sol is back!!")

usha said...

*hugs* God bless her soul.

Ghost Particle said...

...and the end of the days, i always grapple in the dark searching for connections to find links of how my grandparents connects me to life and the world. and at most times when i find no answer and start walking blind, they appear... to remind me of who i am. I think thats a deeper revelation rather than hoping for the unknown. but failing to realize that, now im traveling lands to find the lost connections, and still i dont find any new doors, im only left with fading memories. sometime soon im going to stop searching this connections, and will jst live the memories instead.

your passion, and love will remain through time, you remember her, and your respect for her will never fade. and however small their memory is, i learned in time, they will teach us alot in the future, show us the way and teach us what pure love is.

p/s: remember i dont read calm frenzies much, i think i missed alot of great writings from the heart like this. sorry.

umangexuberance said...

Made me call up my parents and tell them how much I love them..
take care

Sachin Malhotra said...

u have a nice blog
pls make a visit on my blog...
http://shayrionline.blogspot.com/

thank you

Standbymind said...

She would be happy to read this!


Nicely written!

Rakesh said...

bday remind of cake...and that makes me hungry now :-)

ki said...

*hug*
I'm sure she knew HOW much you cared. And is watchong over you even as I write this.

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

That was very touching.Belated Birthday wishes to Ba,she must be proud of you too :)

iriz said...

It touches everyone's heart coz each of us loves someone so much.

belated happy birthday to your Ba.

hugz my dear.

Đžidhi S said...

**sniff**sniff**

Muah...hugs **sniff**

Still thinking said...

How you doing gurl?

Ankur said...

you know its scary that ppl we love the most leave us like that... we miss them and keep missing them...

but take my word, she must be looking from the sky and wud be very proud of u... and her blessings are always with u... i dont know what more to say... may be i am late but not for the pain... :)

Take Care
Ankur

Meghna said...

awwwwwwwww.........OMG!! I'm crying

Ba......love ya too.....

d gypsy! said...

how have u been?

its a touching post...

Divya said...

that was very very touching. and very well written too. i hope you're doing well.. your Ba will be proud of you :)

Divya said...

i'm blogrolling you btw..

Zee said...

i'm sure she's reading this...

everything burns... said...

how come no update for such a long time?

Veens said...

Awesome! It touches a chord in yur heart..

Shree said...

Its a coincidence that I dropped by your blog today, given that my granny left us the same way. She suffered from cancer and we saw her undergo chemotherapy and the pain that followed.

I had bookmarked your blog ever since you commented on mine, hoping I'd read your blog at leisure someday. I regret having started late :)

What an awesome blog you've got here! And, your Ba sure must be proud of you 

shooting star said...

touching!!!.....

Adisha said...

Belated birthday wishes to the special person ! :) So sweet that you honor their memory with such heartfelt words ...

take care,
adisha

Sayani said...

Amen

i must admit ... you are a strong person .
god bless

Lakshmi said...

touching..sorry..we lost a relative too to cancer

Prason Christopher Robin @ Chriz said...

very neatly scripted.. thats your strength.. happy new year

rain girl said...

*hugs* god bless you..

Vandita said...

im sure Ba is very proud of u Sol...
Hugs!
dunno what else to say